How to Deal with Difficult People

We’ve all encountered them: The friend who constantly complains, the coworker who fails to keep promises, the relative who explodes in a rage when things don’t go his way.

Difficult people are everywhere—at work, on the street, in stores, and in our homes. If you can’t avoid them, you should find ways to deal with them that make it less likely you’ll become a difficult person yourself.

“Basically there are two types of difficult people,” says Martha Dennis Christiansen, Ph.D., a counseling and consultation specialist in Tempe, Ariz., “those who are difficult due to their personalities and those due to a particular situation.”

Different perceptions

But who’s to say who’s difficult? “It’s in the eye of the beholder,” says naturopath Rick Brinkman, N.D., of Portland, Ore., coauthor of Dealing with People You Can’t Stand: How to Bring Out the Best in People at Their Worst. “If the person drives you crazy, you perceive them as difficult. Someone else could experience the same behavior and not have it affect them.”

Troublesome people share some traits, adds psychiatrist Stan Kapuchinski, M.D., of Punta Gorda, Fla., author of Say Goodbye to Your PDI (Personality Disordered Individual). Their need for attention makes them good manipulators. They keep you hooked by playing on your insecurity or guilt. In an attempt to control you, they make you feel miserable.

Why are these people difficult? “It’s a mix of nature and nurture,” Dr. Kapuchinski says. “Some of it’s how they’re wired. Some of it’s having been exposed to certain behaviors during their upbringing, then emulating those. There’s also the theory that these people are stuck at some stage of childhood, the ‘terrible twos’ being one of the most common.”

Even the best of us can become difficult. “People’s behavior changes given the context and relationship,” says Dr. Brinkman. “You’re likely to be difficult when you’re under stress or not getting what you need.”

Difficult people affect all of us at times, but some of us are magnets. If you’re a “rescuer,” convinced you could save others, you might try to change the person or fix the problem. Or maybe you’re a “people pleaser,” ignoring your own needs to gain approval. Difficult people also attract those who feel insecure about themselves, readily take blame, and have suffered abuse.

Walk away

Don’t wait for verbal or physical threats before you leave. Know where you draw the line. “Someone with a personality disorder can’t change, though you might keep thinking they will. So, if you have the option, get out of the relationship,” says Dr. Kapuchinski. “If they’re family or coworkers and you can’t avoid them, notice how you’re being manipulated. Take control and don’t get pulled in.”

If you stick around, says Dr. Christiansen, “don’t take their behavior personally. It’s not about you. It’s usually a cry for help." Maintain eye contact, listen to the person, paraphrase his words, and try to understand what he's experiencing. Eventually he’ll run down. Then ask him how you can help. "You won’t change the person’s personality," Dr. Christiansen says, "but you can influence the situation.”

Would you even know if you’re a difficult person? “Not if you’ve got a personality disorder, which means you’re someone with a deeply ingrained maladaptive style of behavior. And you wouldn’t recognize that in yourself,” Dr. Kapuchinski says. But if you’ve ever been under stress and reacted with bursts of anger (and who hasn’t?), you probably gave someone a hard time.

To avoid being difficult, keep your stress levels down and your happiness quotient up. Be tolerant of the unexpected and flexible to change. Stay clearheaded and emotionally balanced—so when you’re faced with someone who’s being difficult, you’ll know what to do.

Five folks to flee

Dr. Kapuchinski identifies five types of people with personality disorders that make life difficult for others:

• Mr. and Ms. Negatives—They try to get a rise out of you, to control you, and make you as miserable as they are.

• Seductresses—Full of drama, they constantly need attention to convince themselves they’re worth it.

• Smooth Operators—Their charisma sucks you in, then their lying and cheating sucks you dry.

• Fatal Attractors—Forceful and demanding, they trap you with an intensity near the edge of madness.

• Pompous Egotists—They feel superior to everyone and believe the world should revolve around them.

To find out if you have a relationship with someone who has a personality disorder, take Dr. Kapuchinski’s quiz at http://www.stopyourmisery.com.